Open Letter to the Naked Witch

(I have taken a very long blog break I know, but we had a house guest and the kids have been sick)

Dear Naked Witch,

Let's get a few things straight, there isn't alot we can do to make this "relationship" work. You have a problem with my mere existence based simply on the fact that I have a uterus. Short of my suddenly sprouting a penis, there isn't a damn thing I can do to appease you here. And yes, I am aware of the fact that your family and apparently EVERYONE else that is ever been graced with your presence is supposed to bend over backwards, walk on eggshells and beg your forgiveness for every misstep...I have seen your husband do it, I have seen your children do it, I have even been told that I am supposed to do it. But Sorry lady, that ain't how I roll.

I am all about keeping the peace. I can get along with anyone. But for some reason, I can't get along with you. Maybe that's because you decided to insert yourself in our lives and have decided to not only upset the apple cart, but chuck the damn apples at my head.

You made it obvious to me and to everyone around us that you didn't like me. It must have been the way I look from afar since you obviously weren't basing that on ever having had a conversation with me or even sharing the same air space with me.

I already knew that we weren't going to get along. I already knew that you were going to pull the jealous chick routine. WE ALL KNEW IT. But guess what, short of the fact that this is beginning to upset my kids...I don't care....

My advice to you is to GROW THE F UP! Seriously! Get a life and get over it. But your constant negative attitude is effecting all of us. And seeing as how I don't plan on growing a ball sac or leaving MY group of friends, there is no solution to this "problem" that you have created in your own head and let fester to the point of looking like a junior high zit. GROW UP AND GET OVER IT. No one has the time nor the desire to play your stupid games. This isn't high school or the Great White North. Down here, we do things differently.

And for the love of GAWD, put on some damn clothes.

Thanks
The Spitting Lima Bean Crew

Drama King is going to drive me to drink...

The computer croaked and I have been blog-less for a week or so. I have borrowed a laptop so that I can catch up.

As I sit here and type this I am in the midst of a full blown Drama King temper tantrum. My 8 year old can throw them like a 13 year old girl at the drop of a hat.

It started with his homework. He did his just fine but he threw a fit of epic porportions while Green Giant did his. It was like he had Tourette's syndrome. He just couldn't help but shout out all the answers to his brothers homework and then tell him how stupid he is that he didn't know the answer. I fight enough with Green Giant to do his own homework, having Drama King add his input just makes the veins on the Green Giant's neck and forehead pop out as he bellows at DK to "shut up before I kill you"....ahh brotherly love.

But nothing prepared me for the post foul ball in their kickball game tantrum...that some how morphed into door slamming and flopping around like a dying fish on the couch while he shouted things like "There is no food in the house" or "I wanna goooooooooo somewhere" or "Green Giant it's all YOUR fault".

But the best may have been when he went running and screaming down the hall to MY bedroom and attempted to flop himself face first on the bed (cuz it's always more dramatic to do it where mom can see you) and realized that mom's bed is full of clean laundry.

Yup another melt down....

This time because I don't love him enough to clean my bed off and he needs a nap RIGHT THIS MINUTE!!!!!

He is currently curled up on my bed in between my clean laundry asleep with his thumb in his mouth and the other in the back of his pants. In a few minutes, he'll roll over and switch hands. EEEWWWWWW

Anyone know what to do with an 8 year old thumb sucking drama king that plays a mean game of soccer??

Remind me to tell you about the chick trying to knock him out during a soccer game with her crotch and how the first thing that came to my mind wasn't that I hoped he was OK...but instead that I know that might possibly be as close as he ever gets to one of those

DO YOU EVER SLEEP? (and yes that's me yelling)

An open letter to the insomniatic elephants that live upstairs:

Dear Insomniatic Elephants,

You moved into the upstairs apartment of my cute little beach bungalow over New Years, and I knew from the moment that you unloaded the first load of stuff from your car that we were going to have problems. I know that the landlord told you that we lived down here. In fact, you couldn't have missed the basketball hoop in the driveway, the soccer goal in the side yard and the myriad of bicycles that live on my porch. You had to have realized that we had TWO little boys living down here.

You hadn't been here a week when you complained very loudly while standing on your porch that 11 a.m. on a Saturday was "too early in the morning for any respectable mother to let her kids play outside" and I let it slide and called the boys inside.

I let it slide when you decided to vacuum your HARDWOOD floors at 2 a.m on a Tuesday.

I let it slide when you ran out of laundry detergent and fabric softener and decided to use mine.

I let it slide it when you had a knock down drag out fight with someone on the phone at 4 a.m.

I let it slide when you had the balls to come down here at 10 a.m. on a Wednesday morning to complain that you could hear my stereo and you were trying to sleep....there was a reason it was so loud. I couldn't hear my stereo over your TV that I swear you never turn off.

I understand that different people have different schedules and that since both of you apparently work from home, 'cuz lord knows you never leave for more than 20 minutes at a time you stay up a little later than we do down here. But common courtesy should tell you that if you can hear your TV in the driveway while you sit in your car with the headlights shining directly into the window of my kids room at 1 a.m. for twenty minutes talking on your phone, that the damn thing is too loud!! We don't want to listen to the last episode of American Idol instead of sleeping.

My husband works late at night. When he gets home from bashing in heads at the bar and its 4 oclock in the morning, he would like to go to sleep. Most of the time, he has to get back up for another job or some kind of kid function. When he wakes me up to tell me what movie you are watching, I get a little peeved.

I get a little peeved when you leave in the afternoon while the kids are outside playing and you come back from the 7-11 with a dozen doughnuts your lunch knowing that they are playing in the yard or at the basketball hoop and you suddenly feel it necessary to park whereever they were playing when you left. Be it in the yard, directly under the basketball hoop or wherever (which by the way is the only way for Neil to be able to park in HIS spot that you so nicely assigned so you wouldn't have to haul your ass walk as far up the stairs to your apartment.) I get peeved, but I don't complain.

I get a little peeved when you use my electricity to wash your clothes and when you plug the light into MY fuse box while you do laundry in the middle of the night and don't turn the light off when you are done. Have I mentioned that the laundry room is up against my closet? That when you are doing laundry and screaming talking on your phone at 3 a.m., we can hear every word you say, and every quarter that you leave in your pants tumbling in the dryer for hours all night long? But past waving at you as you walk by while my shades are open so that you can see that this is my bedroom where normal people sleep at night, I don't do anything.

I admit that I did tell you to "put on your big girl panties" and deal with the fact that you can hear the kids screaming in the morning while they are getting ready for school. There isn't much I can do with them at 8 a.m. I admit I also may have said "just think if you can hear us when it's quiet up there, we can hear you when it is quiet down here!"

BUT this is the last straw....you have gone too far. I'm putting on MY big girl panties and anonymously blogging to avoid confrontation saying something!

For the last THREE...COUNT THEM 1...2...3 nights, I have been rudely awakened from a sound sleep multiple times a night by what I have finally come to realize is you RIDING around your apartment in your office chair! Are you 12? Are you really that lazy that you can't pick your a$$ up off the chair and WALK to the fridge? Are you telling me that you can't get up and walk the 10 feet to the bathroom? You are really riding around your apartment in your office chair? At 4:30 in the morning? REALLY??

While I am glad to no longer hear the tap dancing elephant show in the middle of the night that has been accompaning the never ending war movie that you have been watching for the last three months, I must say that there is something shocking about being woken up to the sound of your upstairs neighbor riding across the hardwood floors to go pee.

I can't take it anymore...I don't want to tattle, but you are really pushing me to the brink of something dangerous! I might let the kids do a sneak lima bean attack!

It's midnight and you just rode to the kitchen and back....enjoy your snack.

Signed,
The Lima Bean Spitters

::whew:: I dodged a parenting bullet

Today, seemingly out of nowhere, Drama King dropped the bomb...you know this one:

Mom, how do babies get in the mom's stomach?

Uh Uh Uh Uh Uh Uh Uh Uh

Finally after I picked my mouth up off the floor and reminded myself that he is 8 going on 30. I knew I had to answer him so I dropped this little pearl of wisdom on him:

"Ya know, kiddo, It's really really gross and it's going to make you wanna throw up. So how about if we talk about it when you get a little older."

"How gross is it, mom? Like booger and fart gross? Or blood and guts and ax murderer gross?"

"Grosser than ax murderer."

"Ewwwwwww, guess it's a good thing I don't want a wife huh? I'll just live with you and Dad forever"

Not exactly how I pictured the first birds and bees conversation that's for sure!

ABCs of being me

I'm at it again. Doing another one of MamaKat's writer's workshops!
Go check her out! Here are her prompts:

1.) For your birthday a sibling has decided to have the first six months of your blog printed and bound. Write a forward for the book.

2.) Write a 26-line poem using all the letters of the alphabet, where the first line starts with the letter "A," the second "B," the third "C," etc., culminating with the final line starting with "Z."
(writersdigest.com)

3.) Start your story with, "In retrospect, I wouldn't say it was my best idea." And end it with, "And that's how I attempted to make this world a better place.
(writersdigest.com)

4.) What would the truth have done? Write about a time when honesty was NOT the best policy.
(writingfix.com)

5.) What made your childhood bearable? Write about it.


I decided to do #2.
We just did a poetry unit with DramaKing's class so I know that poems don't have to rhyme. I'm horrible at that!

A day in the life of Mom
Breakfast making
Cub Scout meeting planning
Dirty clothes washing
Everyday chore doing
Fight Ending
Goose egg kissing
Homework helping
I'm bored busting
Junk drawer cleaning
Kickball playing
Lima Bean Spitting
Money managing
Neck washing
Oreo eating
Parent Teacher conferencing
Quick dinner cooking
Refereeing
Shoe Tying
Tree Climbing
Uniform ironing
Van driving
Wrestling
Xhausted
Yu-gi-oh watching
ZZZzzzzz snoring

When are farts not funny anymore?

When you spend your morning dressed like this because Daddy ate chili:




And then you have to be seen in public driving down the road like this:




Yeah Dad...NOT FUNNY!!

Homemade gas masks are all the rage!

Writer's Workshop from MamaKat

Mama Kat has a really cool lil thing-a-ma-bob she does every week called Writer's Workshop. She thinks up prompts and then if you choose to accept the assignment, you write about them.

Here are her prompts for the week...

1.) If you were starring on American Idol TONIGHT and HAD to sing, what song would you choose and why.
2.) Take a picture of yourself right this minute without primping and explain to us why it is you have not washed your hair today.
3.) I just asked Pat to help me with a writing prompt so here's his: "What do you think about the NBA All Star game"...blech.
4.) What's your number one pet peeve? Develop a punishment for anyone caught in the act.
5.) Write about something mean you did to a sibling growing up.

And my responses:
1) I would ever ever ever try out for American Idol and the world should be thankful that I don't try, I know my high school Chorus teacher is very thankful for that. But if I did, I would totally do Sugarland's song "Steve Earl" I just like the silliness of the song and the accent and I love to sing it when nobody's listening!

2) I did wash my hair and put on makeup and heels and even my big phat diamond necklace but alas, my camera is fresh outta batteries!

3) There is a NBA All-Stars game?

4) My number one pet peeve is people that send "professional" emails or Craigslist post or any other form of written communication without using spellcheck and correct grammar. When you are emailing your BFF about last night's Grey's episode, it's one thing, but when you are sending me an email about about a committee meeting or a soccer coaching university or anything else remotely "professional," is it really that hard to REREAD what you just typed? Spellcheck is your friend! Their punishment should be being forced to walk around wearing a sandwich board that declares "I AM AN IDIOT AND CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO USE SPELLCHECK!"

5) I grew up as an only child and by the time I had brothers around full time, I was too old to really torture them. I've said mean, smarta$$ things to them but never anything that could be considered sibling torture.

I'm glad that I decided to do these today. My brain is full trying to plan the pack camp out/blue and gold banquet and I needed some down time.

Now off to make spinach raviolis and hope that they are edible!